Recently I was talking to a friend of a friend who was being considered for the reality show “A-List Dallas.” According to the person I was talking to, the producers of the show wanted the potential character to give them ideas of what the “story line” would be for his character. Now I’m not under any illusion that reality TV has any basis in reality, but knowing that plot lines are planned out in advance has made me look at reality television in a whole new light. Now when I watch them I think, “Was this fight between Ramona and Jill planned or did it just happen? And is this part of a larger narrative that will draw Kelly and the Countess in as well?” So in this week’s installment of The World According to Paris…working title “I can’t believe my career is in the toilet” we see the plot line that was probably storyboarded six months ago play itself out, or if we were in an episode of Friends it would be titled “The One When Paris Thinks She Might Be Pregnant…or Maybe she’s just Fat.”
So Cy and Paris go to some restaurant I”m guessing in West Hollywood but I don’t know LA. Paris orders waffles and eggs and fruit and all sorts of things, while Cy orders two poached eggs. Of course, as the cameras follow them eating we see that Cy isn’t exactly the waifish figure, he’s sort of heavy in the mid section and later we see that he has a lot of junk in his trunk. When the Waiter brings their food, it looks as though Cy has actually ordered MORE than just two poached eggs…editing anyone? The waiter lingers just a little too long in the camera, making SURE they don’t need anything else (and I’m sure angling to be discovered by an agent or director because everyone in LA is either in the business or wanting to be, especially waiters). Then Paris goes into her little girl voice. I’m sorry but I think grown women talking in little girl voices is creepy. Are they trying to say that their men like little girls and when they talk like that their guys are supposed to get hot? Victoria Eva Braun Jackson has made a career…well, HAD a career…talking like a little girl and she continues to do so when she talks about how President Obama is the anti-Christ. Paris uses her little girl voice to get Cy to go on a whirlwind trip to Spain, then feed her a bite of poached eggs which he drops on the table, much to JonBenet’s chagrin. Paris has to go to Spain to launch her racing team…I guess Tara Reid was busy.
Paris and her mom Kathy are walking out to the pool where, magically, two treadmills are set up. Now what I want to know is, are those treadmills always out by the pool, or are they out there as a sort of set design? And what’s up with Kathy having so much more energy than her daughter who is half her age? Despite having more energy, time has not been kind to the former Studio 54 habitue and Andy Warhol buddy Kathy Hilton. It just goes to show you that no matter how rich you are, you still get old. I will have to give her props for not having a visible face lift. Unlike her sisters Kyle and Kim (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) who look pulled and taut.
Then we see Paris and her cousin (one of Kim, the alcoholic housewife’s, daughters) at a grocery store buying healthy food. Yes, we’re going to beat this overweight story to death. the Cousin encourages Paris to buy milk, Paris wants to buy cupcakes. The stockers and cashiers at the store can’t believe they are seeing the real Paris in person…funnily enough there doesn’t seem to be anyone else in the store…did they rent the store out just for that shoot? Does Oxygen have that kind of pull? WOW!
Next we see a private plane taking off, although we never actually see Paris on the private jet. I’m thinking she didn’t actually fly on a private jet because we later see her walking through the airport. People who fly private don’t go through airports…that’s the whole reason for flying private! Plus, a private jet would have to stop at least once, and probably twice to refuel between LA and Spain. It would be cost prohibitive, especially for a racing team in Spain who is probably footing the bill.
In Spain, and advancing the “Maybe I’m pregnant” storyline, Paris talks to some unidentified creepy guy in a suit saying, “They measured me in the Summer in Ibiza and now it’s the winter and I’ve gained weight.” First of all, that anyone would admit that go to Ibiza at this point just shows that they have no clue…Ibiza was cool in the 90’s, now it’s just a collection of Euro-trash and Arabs looking for harem fodder. No one goes there anymore…but back to her argument about why she may or may not fit into the jumpsuit…The only problem with that argument, Paris, is that you live in LA where there is actually no winter and you can exercise outside all the time. Plus, it’s sort of your job to stay in shape and not get fat…so your arguments are sort of falling flat…until I remember that this is all part of the story arc. Okay then it all makes sense. And really, I can’t blame Paris for not liking the Racing Sponsor Barbie jumpsuit that she has to wear. Really no one should be forced to wear a jumpsuit, even a douche like Paris Hilton. Not only is the jump suit really tight, it’s this not quite white color that makes it look like Paris peed all in the suit and now it’s off colored…Interestingly when she’s talking to creepy guy, she actually sounds a little bit intelligent. We see flashes of intelligence from her, and really you can’t make a career out of a name and no talent without having a little bit of smarts, she’s just been really good at hiding it for all these years.
Evidently when someone with no talent reaches a certain level of fame, clubs pay them to show up at the club, say a few words, dance a little and pick up a check. Kim Kardashian does this all the time…obviously Paris does this too…from what I understand they can make upwards of 100K just to show up at a club. Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost our soul. So Paris shows up at the club, Cy in tow, stands on the stage, and revises lines from her former reality show with Nicole Richey “Hi Bitches, It’s Paris!” That’s about $35K per word I’m guessing…
So back in LA, Paris has lunch with her Mom and Mrs. Charlie Sheen at Kathy’s house. (side note, after that sale of Candy Spelling’s mansion goes through that Rick is facilitating, look for the Hilton’s to get a larger house). At this point, Brooke is starting to get on my nerves and from the look on Paris’ face she’s starting to tire of the Brooke story line as well. So as Mrs. Sheen is talking about her time in Aspen, Paris is looking bored and distracted by her mother’s headband, which has to be the most awful thing since the invention of the scrunchy. Obviously when the story line is not about her then she can’t be bothered. The more interesting reaction is that of Kathy Hilton, who continues to eat her chicken salad and sandwiches non-stop. Kathy has seen a long list of Paris’ BFFs, from Nicole Richey to Britney Spears to Brandon Davis. Mrs. Sheen is simply the latest in the long line of people her daughter has brought around the house, so Kathy really isn’t too invested in Mrs. Sheen nor is she keen on listening to her drone on about her trip to Aspen, her struggle with drugs and her missing Charlie, which elicits the only reaction from Kathy during Brooke’s whole monologue. Then Kathy, as if on cue, calls Paris out on what’s up…Paris says she may be pregnant, Brooke’s eyes get really big and Kathy starts to cry. Paris says she’s about to get a pregnancy test and Mrs. Sheen, ever the fame whore, says, “I want to get one now my car is just outside!” Paris says she has to wait for Cy, who she has just talked to on the phone and who seems okay with the whole thing (of course he is okay with her getting preggers, he’s thinking, “Federline!”)
So Paris leaves and Brooke stays to help Kathy clear up…am I the only one who thinks it’s strange that she stays after her friend leaves? I’m thinking this Brooke one of those people you have to ask them to go home because they overstay their welcome? After seeing her freak show of a mother last week, I’m guessing she sort of is! Kathy is crying on Brooke’s shoulder because she thought Paris would be married before she had a baby…although she may have been the only person in the known world who actually believes in that scenario. Who would have thought Kathy is a traditionalist? I do feel sorry for Kathy though, she had that reality show that tried to teach people from the hood and from rural America how to have class, all the while her daughter was blowing Rick Solomon in a sex tape and getting arrested for drinking and driving. Klassy…
Next we see Paris going to get acupuncture. One of the fascinating parts of this show is seeing all the minions of people who inhabit LA and work with these celebrities. The acupuncturist looks like a slim version of a leather daddy…I’m guessing Paris’ friend Jenn who goes with her found him…I’m thinking Jenn must be a lesbian because she wears a flannel shirt to Beso in a later scene, but maybe I’m mistaken. This whole acupuncture scene is sort of a throw away scene…they talk about Paris’ dislike of talking about her body functions like her period and pooping, and of course talk about the fact that Paris might be pregnant…I’m sort of glad Paris isn’t talking about her period and how often she poops…I don’t really want to think about her pinching a loaf.
So Paris and Jenn meet Mrs. Charlie Sheen and Paris’ cousin at Beso for dinner. Paris looks amazing, she thinks the paparazzi are taking photos of her stomach…maybe they’re just hoping for a crotch shot. Paris has stated that she doesn’t want to talk about the potential baby…which leaves the topics of conversation a little slim at this point. Somehow they get on the subject of Paris being hurt by her ex boyfriend Rick Solomon…at which point Mrs. Sheen pipes up, “I’m friends with him should I not be?” It seems that Brooke thinks that Paris and Rick were in on the sex tape together and that they split the money from it. The camera doesn’t pan down to the table so we can’t really see if Brooke is drinking again, but I’m thinking that she’s going to be on that ooh-wee in a minute. Paris disabuses Brooke of the idea that she split the money for the sex tape with Solomon. It seems to bother Brooke more that Paris didn’t get any money from the tape than it does that she was used by her ex. All through this little interaction, Paris’ cousin continues to eat…I’m guessing she was invited so there would be a fourth at the table and she’s not going to let the opportunity for a free meal to pass her by. Which leads me to wonder, why don’t they show who pays the tabs for these dinners and breakfasts? That would be a show I would watch…”Who Picks up the Tab”
After the dinner, Paris and Jenn, resplendent in her flannel shirt, are driving home. Paris says, “Brooke was acting weird tonight at dinner.” Note to Mrs. Sheen, this is how it starts. This is how, when a celebrity begins to tire of you, they begin to ease you out of the picture. In nature it’s how a predator separates the weak from the herd before the kill. In celebrity world it’s how someone who is no longer of any use to the celebrity, or who has become boring or difficult in some way, is cast aside. Brooke, your time has come.
So the next morning, as we are listening to a very sweet song with lyrics like, “You’re not alone, I’m always on your side” we see Paris in her pink bedroom in her pink covered bed. I’m sort of disappointed in Paris’ house, I totally would have thought she would have had a more balling crib. It seems like she lives right on the street with a teen-tiny driveway that is barely big enough for Cy’s leased Bentley. So Cy comes in she pees on the stick. No one can ever tell me Paris is not a pro at this though, not only has she dragged this out into a whole show, she has made a 3 minute pregnancy test last for 9 minutes of TV time…
Big surprise, she’s not pregnant. Cy looks disappointed. He was already spending that Federline money he thought he would get for siring that baby. Of course he tells her he would like to have a baby with her some day…he’s not quite ready to give up the idea of being Paris Hilton baby daddy. The episode ends with Paris saying she needs to lose weight and they start running…this is where we see that Cy has a nice booty. Note to Cy, if you ever want to take a walk on the wild side, you could totally be a big ol’ power bottom with that booty!
Next week, Brooke thinks Paris is tired of her…what gave you that idea?