The World According to that Formerly Popular Reality Star

I normally wouldn’t watch something with Paris Hilton. It’s not that I dislike Paris Hilton, I don’t know her, but I dislike the IDEA of Paris Hilton. I don’t like the idea that someone with no discernible talent (auto-tuned song notwithstanding) can make millions of dollars just by being “famous.” It’s the same reason I dislike the Kardashians. Before they started all this “Keeping Up” business their only claim to fame was that their father was friends with OJ and allegedly carried the suitcase with his bloody clothes and knife away from his house the morning after the murders. Yet they make millions just by being famous.

But back to Paris. I wouldn’t have watched this show except it was on Bravo and my remote was on the dresser, so instead of getting up I started watching it. The segments where Paris and her club promoter boyfriend Cy are together are pretty awful (Paris can’t even act when she’s not supposed to be acting) the segments with Brooke Mueller aka Mrs. Charlie Sheen, are worth the price of admission!
In the episode yesterday Brooke has just gotten out of Rehab…in fact Paris picks her up at Rehab in her pink Bentley (note to Paris, if you’re saying you have a signature color Sis Carr did it way before you and was much more classy about it). On the way back to Brooke’s Paris is saying, “you shouldn’t be embarrassed it’s a disease.” I mean, how pathetic must it be when Paris HIlton is giving you addiction advice? Then Brooke goes to her house and her “mom” is there. Brooke immediately starts in on her Mom for not being around when she was 15 and that is the root of all her current problems with drinking. Her Mom is not much better, saying, “I always left someone in charge of you, plus I was traveling when you were 16 not 15.” Brooke’s “mom” is probably one of those women who chased after every rich man she could until she got too old to get one, then settled for her current “husband” who looks like he’s been to the botox needle one too many times and is way too tanned. Brooke’s “mom” has hair the color of bootblack and spouts all this new agey bullshit that people who are trying to be good parents 20 years too late say. I mean, I don’t really feel sorry for Brooke except that she had this creature for a mother so what chance did she really have? Charlie Sheen must have looked like a well adjusted individual compared to her family life.
Later we see Brooke hiring one of her friends to be her Sober Companion when they go to Aspen. Now I have been sober for almost 15 years and only heard about Sober Companions when Owen Wilson tried to off himself then hired one to get over his coke habit. From what I understand they earn like $500-750 a day to follow some wealthy addict around and, well I don’t really know what they do because watching Brooke and her “sober companion” it seems like it’s just a person who is there to take shit from them when they start getting thirsty! Almost immediately Brooke’s sober companion questions the wisdom of Brooke going to Aspen over New Years considering the fiasco that was last year.
So Brooke and her sober companion and her 15 year old sister who looks like she’s already been under the plastic surgery knife arrive at Brooke’s family’s house in Aspen, and her “mom” and step tan are there already. Right away her mom excoriates Brooke for putting her hair in a pony tail because, “There might be paparrazi and you don’t want to be on the cover of a magazine without your hair looking good.” Um, news flash, the paps aren’t interested now that she’s the former Mrs. Charlie Sheen. But her mom persists…until you know it’s the Mom who really wants to be on the cover of the magazines. I mean how did this girl have a chance with this mother who makes Livia Soprano look like June Cleaver!?! Brooke’s “mom” begins to start planning all the clubs and parties they can go to while they’re there. Of course Brooke starts getting antsy because, well, she’s just out of rehab and her support group consists of Paris Hilton and someone she’s paying, so really she’s pretty much on her own in this sobriety thing. Rightly so, her sober companion says, “I think it’s sort of weird that your Mom wanted to meet you at a club” Brooke, because she grew up in a dysfunctional household right out of Less Than Zero, doesn’t really see anything wrong with it, and gets defensive. The sober companion still thinks it’s whack!
Somehow Brooke, her “mom” and the sober companion get in a sleigh and go to some lodge where there’s a restaurant…guess there are lots of those in Aspen. So Brooke starts reminiscing about how she misses Charlie and her life with him (which part do you miss, the knife at the throat? the porn star strippers in the closet? Oh wait, it’s probably the money). The sober companion essentially says, “hey, you’re nuts for missing him.” The ‘mom’ says, “Oh honey I understand where is the paparrazi? We’re just here to support you” (and to ride your coat tails into any ancillary publicity we can get. Brooke is laying into the sober companion too, saying, “You don’t understand you’re not an alcoholic/addict” Then why the fuck did you hire her bish? You would have to pay me a hell of a lot more than $750 a day to put up with that shit. Mrs. Charlie Sheen is a typical addict, she bargains, pushes against people, lashes out, and then when she realizes she’s gone too far she starts to cry. Sell it to someone who’s buying it sister.
Back in Cabo, Paris and Cy are having fun dodging the three fans who are following her around after she’s made on the beach. She gets upset that people recognize her, yet she goes to the beach with a two camera crew and walks around…Cabo looks like fun but if people like her are there then no thanks. Plus she seems to be staying at some hotel that is like one notch above a Raddison, albeit she’s staying on the top floor. On New Year’s Eve, Paris’s assistant says, “I’ve gotten clearance for us to go to four bars tonight” which means she’s found four bars who will allow the camera crew to go in. I guess not every bar wants their clientele to be forced to sign confidentiality agreements….(side note, I”ve heard that none of the Caven or hardly any of the Bars on Cedar Springs have given the A List Dallas permission to film in their clubs…hollah!!) Probably two of those bars that would let them film are owned by Cy’s friends, which Paris doesn’t seem to like too much, “Posers with camera phones” which is probably a really good description of the people she’s forced to hang out with now that Nicole Richey is married. When they’re driving somewhere in the car, she says, “Leo’s having a party” the inference here is that it’s Leo DiCaprio. “George Clooney and all those guys will be there” she says. Cy, rightly understanding that he’s way out of his league in a group like that, says he doesn’t want to go. Paris, of course, does, because she wants to believe that she can run in that group of people. Paris, please see anything by Kathy Griffin in the last 15 years and you will understand the difference between A list and B list. You’re on the latter, not the former.
So Paris ditches Doug, goes to the party at “Leo’s” In what must be one of the saddest exhibitions ever, she finds four unknown people at the party who will be filmed with her. They are all, shall we say, hangers on…posers…not one famous person would allow themselves to be filmed with her. She essentially is standing by a table by herself (well, with her assistant) looking around for someone to do. Paris does eventually go to the bar and meets with Cy, but only long enough to slap him in the face. They make up the next day and all’s well.
Well, as well as it can be for a person who’s only talent was highlighted in her film with Rick Solomon, and she didn’t even look like she was that good at that!

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