2009 CYA


Another year down, two to go until we all die when the world ends. Or at least until we fly across the ocean with John Cussak, the most unlikely action hero in film history, and get on big Arks to wait until the earth finishes shifting on its axis. Until then here are 10 things I won’t miss about 2009 along with some predictions for 2010.

Carrie Prejean, who proved you should always “know your audience” before you speak, and who, had she stopped at simply saying she believed marriage should be opposite marriage, Perez Hilton would have been the only annoying person in that situation. Then all those topless photos started turning up. The religious right could never explain how breast implants, posing nude on a beach or making a sex tape where she fingered herself advanced the conservative agenda and proved that gay marriage was a threat to moral values. On the upside the whole thing did provide one more example of the conservative hypocritical “do as I say not as I do” agenda. In 2010 Carrie Prejean will become the spokesperson for those nubby finger gloves advertised on TV for women to pleasure themselves.
Jon and Kate Plus 8…Let’s pray this whole phenomenon of women who have multiple babies being given their own reality show has jumped the shark. The most annoying of these were Jon and Kate. She was every straight man’s shrewish nightmare and he was the alpha douche bag. Neither one of them were sympathetic characters…we just felt sorry for the children and for whoever does Kate’s hair. Once again a “high profile” straight couple proves that the greatest threat to opposite marriage is divorce. In 2010 their kids will begin writing their memoirs…titled “Our Lives as Puppies.”
Ed Hardy, the Von Dutch of 2009. Christian Audigier proves that not everything from France is in good taste. Not only is he plucked, botoxed and collagened to within an inch of his life, his clothes suck. Anyone could screen print some dragons and bedazzle a couple of metal buttons on a shirt and call it fashion. In 2010 Jon Gosselin will become the spokesperson for the brand, which will go the way of Energie, Z Cavaricci and Members Only.
Glenn Beck…whatever happened to the strong, silent type of Republican who didn’t cry like a baby while he spouted his hate speech? Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan must be spinning in their graves at this one. I’m sick of Glenn Beck and his co-hort Rush Limbaugh who was much more entertaining when he was on Oxycontin. In 2010 Glenn Beck will finally break down and call the President the “N” word, thereby assuring the Democrats keep control of Congress.
Black Tie Dinner…I know I may be run out of Oak Lawn for this one, but I have never understood the attraction for a bunch of forty-thousand dollar millionaires to rent tuxes, walk around and pat each other on the back for how socially conscious they are then go upstairs to after parties and do drugs and have unsafe sex. In 2010 the Keynote speaker for Black Tie will be the gaffer on episode 10 of Queer as Folk.
Sex Scandals…While it’s sort of titillating to think about Tiger Woods putting his big driver to multiple hostesses, cocktail waitresses and porn star jump off’s and I hope his sex tape comes out soon, my stomach sort of turns when I think about Mark Sanford, John Ensign or even John Edwards doing the nasty with various blousy blondes. I have enough trouble worrying about my own sex life (or lack thereof) without having to be inundated with information on how rich and powerful straight guys are getting it (like anyone would give Mark Sanford the time of day if he were a middle manager at IBM). In 2010, Chief Justice John Roberts will be accused of “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” with another guy.
Kanye West…You have to really be a douche bag to get the President to call you a jackass. I mean seriously Kanye, you’re going to jump on stage and ruin the moment for Taylor Swift, who has got to be the sweetest and cutest white girl since Ellie Mae Clampett?? He was sort of funny and right on when he called George Bush out after Katrina but now he’s just another annoying drunk. In 2010 Kanye will put out a album titled “Shades of Ike Turner.”
Lady GaGa…Now I will admit I think Poker Face is a fun song to do the Elliptical machine to, and Just Dance is catchy, but Lady is too cutsey with her “is she or isn’t she a hermorphadite shtick.” In her Post Modern Judy Jetson ensembles and synthetic hair she brings auto tune to a new level. In 2010 we finally realize we don’t care and Lady retires to the obscurity from whence she came.
The Healthcare Debate…I still can’t understand how the Republicans can continue to run on a platform of denying healthcare to poor people, denying human rights to gay people, torture and support for rich Wall Street Bankers and the American people in their infinite stupidity continue to vote for them. But more importantly I’d like the Democrats to get some balls and start calling things as they really are instead of trying to govern from the middle. The Republicans aren’t tacking to the middle and neither should we. There is no healthcare reform without a public option and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. In 2010 People will continue to die because they don’t have proper healthcare.
Reality TV…Life is real enough without us having to watch a bunch of jerk offs and fame whores traipse around in the midst of their 14 ½ minutes. Jersey Shore, The Hills, Real World, Big Brother, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Survivor, blech. The only decent one is Amazing Race because those people have to actually do something other than manufacture drama. When I watch TV I want escape not a glimpse into what our society has actually become. In 2010 I have my own reality show and marry the bachelor when he comes out of the closet.


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